When my dog died of liver cancer, I thought it was my fault. Why, you ask? Because I didn’t keep him from eating sidewalk nasties. What the hell? Did I think I was that God I no longer believe in? You know, the God who causes pain and suffering?

Victim-blaming runs deep with me. I’m good at it. Whether I blame myself for dead dogs, misfortune, and health problems or I blame others for theirs, the first thought upon hearing bad news is, what did I do wrong? What did they do wrong? When a friend told me she was hospitalized for an irregular heartbeat, my reaction was, “How does that happen?” Implying she did something to cause it.

Before the pandemic, in my downtown Chicago neighborhood, thugs drove around casing out pedestrians, jumping out of cars, knocking vulnerable people to the ground, and stealing their belongings. My neighbor reported getting mugged in broad daylight while walking her dog. My reaction? 

“Why weren’t you wearing that whistle I gave you?” As if she could have done anything to stop three teenage boys from shoving her up against a brick wall and ripping into her clothes to find her iPhone. 

At community meetings, police officers gave primers on how to protect yourself. Among the suggestions was to attach a colorful whistle to your coat, not necessarily to use, but as a deterrent. I had a few bright red whistles from RAINN.org, the national anti-sexual assault advocacy group, so I called and asked for more. 

“We don’t have those anymore. Our survivors thought they were a sign of victim-blaming.”

Whoa, I didn’t see that coming. I get it, though. Victims of sexual assault are hyper-aware of all the ways society, either by word or by thought, says, “That’s what you get for wearing those clothes or walking on that street at 3:00 a.m. or not wearing a whistle visible to your attacker.“

Over twenty-five years ago, I became a victim of fibromyalgia, a mysterious inflammation of the tissues connecting the muscles to the bones. That’s not the exact definition. I use that description because it’s easy for me to visualize. Contrary to all medical knowledge, I have a notion that if I can visualize it, I can heal it. I get relief with meditation, movement, and writing, but there’s no cure, no healing. I think I can fix it because I blame myself for causing it.

Deep down, or really just below the surface, I cannot accept the randomness of bad things happening to good people. I want reasons and meanings—some way to help me control the fear that I’m next. This psychology is my Screwtape, the Tempter leading me into madness. Dr. Google tells me it’s a natural phenomenon. I’m committed to seeking a way forward through virtuous self-care. But that, too, is Screwtape tempting me into believing I alone can fix it.

Living untethered to reasons and meanings is like George Clooney detaching himself in the movie “Gravity” to save Sandra Bullock. It requires courage received only through grace.

Regan Burke's avatar
Regan Burke's book, "In That Number" was a finalist for Chicago Writers Association non-fiction Book of the Year. Her brief memoirs and personal essays appear in the Christian Science Monitor, Sun Magazine, Chicago History Museum "In This Together" Project, City Creatures, Safe 'n Sound, Easter Seals Blog. Chaleur, Rise Up Review, Bird Garden's Murder of Writers and Writing Out Loud. She lives on Potawatomi land in downtown Chicago with Elsa, the West Highland Terrier. Her main activity is reducing the weight of the here and now.

16 thoughts on “The Gift of Wisdom”

  1. Everyone will have challenges, that is how we grow. It is how we react/handle the challenge. It is meant for us to reflect, discern, question, listen and act. There are no simple answers. We live in the moment and do the best we can. Sometimes we get it and find good solutions. Sometimes bad solutions, poor choices, excuses and the challenge does not go away until we come to a conclusion that works. Then there is the next challenge. It is one step at a time each day. We are ordinary people with gifts and talents to help us on our life journey. Wisdom continues to grow with education, experiences, environment, flexibility, questions and listening with attention. Overcoming challenges increases our confidence, always knowing and trusting that God is with us bringing us healing Peace.

    Be well, peace, gratitude, hope and love, Donna

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  3. I get it. Screwtape or Scientology, it’s all the same. What did I do wrong. My solution that only works sometimes is to thank “whatever gods may be” as in Invictus. And to know that often shit happens.

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  8. I love this Regan! I was just thinking of you so it was lovely to see this wonderful to see this. You have a beautiful gift of words – so grateful that you are using your gift. How are you?

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    Annette Tyman (she/her/ella) | Partner | Seyfarth Shaw LLP 233 S. Wacker Drive | Suite 8000 | Chicago, Illinois 60606-6448 Direct: +1-312-460-5943 | Mobile: +1-219-741-0049 | Fax: +1-312-460-7943 ATyman@seyfarth.com | http://www.seyfarth.com

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    2. Thanks, Annette! I’m relatively good. I’m steeped in anti-racism studies with a contemplative justice book group–awed by what God is bringing to my thinking. And grateful. We meet on Mondays at noon on Zoom. May I email you the meeting notice? Anyone is welcome. They are contemplative Christians mostly from the Deep South.

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      1. Yes – please send the link my way!

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        Annette Tyman (she/her/ella) | Partner | Seyfarth Shaw LLP 233 S. Wacker Drive | Suite 8000 | Chicago, Illinois 60606-6448 Direct: +1-312-460-5943 | Mobile: +1-219-741-0049 | Fax: +1-312-460-7943 ATyman@seyfarth.com | http://www.seyfarth.com

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  9. Sigh. I waste so much time being mad at myself for medical problems I didn’t cause. The constant negative din pulls me down. Fibromyalgia seems like the perfect ailment to do this. Even the doctors don’t understand it, so one can blame oneself with impunity. My wife and I are taking an online course together. The first session brought up many of the things you’ve said in this post. The victim blaming, me and others, is rampant. My wife suggested I start meditating the Metta Prayer – where you offer positive wishes to yourself and others, on a daily basis. I think it’s a great idea. Of course, one week later, I haven’t started, but it’s still a great idea.

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    1. I solved my own inconsistent practice by leading a twice-weekly Zoom meditation group. I repeat the same beginning salutation each time — which I wrote myself because I needed a secular meditation when we started, with no foreign language words. This isn’t because the group is xenophobic, quite the opposite. I simply Americanized the meditation so it didn’t sound religious. There’s a metta sentence.

      Guided Meditation
      Whatever you experience during meditation is right for you. Don’t try to make anything happen; just observe.
      Begin by sitting in a comfortable position. Notice how your breath flows in and out. Don’t change your breathing in any way; simply notice how your body breathes. When your thoughts wander, bring your attention back to your breathing.
      I close my eyes softly, bringing awareness to my breathing.
      I allow my mind to rest in my heart as I come into my body.
      Sitting still. Relaxed. Alert.
      I hold my back straight, not stiff.
      My torso rests with ease and comfort, centered in my pelvis.
      My feet are held up by the floor, my body held down by gravity.
      I sense the temperature of the room.
      I notice sound.
      I notice thoughts of sound.
      I imagine stiffness melting away from my neck, shoulders, eyes, forehead, cheeks.
      I watch tension leave my face as my jaw drops slightly.
      I breathe in. I breathe out.
      I have no where to go, nothing to do; need nothing to change.
      This moment. And this Moment. And this moment.
      I let thoughts, feelings, plans, fantasies, memories, conclusions, judgements pass by as if on clouds or in a gently flowing stream.
      The worries of the world do not own me. I do not own the worries of the world.
      I bring my focus to my breath as distractions come into my mind.
      May I be at peace. May my friends & family be at peace. May my enemies be at peace. May all sentient beings be at peace.
      I breathe in. I breathe out.

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