Journalist Kara Swisher has a six-part series on living forever or, not dying too early or some such idea. Last week, I woke from an unplanned late afternoon nap to hear her CNN interview with a wild-haired scientist about the fear of dying.

The scientist proclaimed the fear of dying motivates every human, all day, all night, from the beginning of time. Obsessive acquisitions of money, power, big houses and boats is a reaction to the base fear of dying.

The antidote to this death anxiety is awe. Awe. A.w.e. Awe.

Awe revitalizes the deep need to be alive. Embracing awe unlocks the idea that death is not just bondage but an opening. Holding both thoughts at once reduces the subconscious but crippling anxiety of death.

Sitting under a leafed-out hawthorn tree on a park bench, I hung onto these thoughts as I savored the look and the smell of a nearby lilac bush. Awe was working. I felt death anxiety dissipating.

The sound of a crackling branch overhead should have startled me, scared me. In the distance I saw a shouting seventh-grade-size boy running toward me. 

“What?” I inquired of myself.

“@#$%^&*” was all I heard.

He hurried up to me pointing at the tree. A midsize branch had broken off the top of the tree trunk. The mishmash of boughs below caught the crackup before it fell on me. But it was slowly crunching its way toward the ground.

I jumped off the bench into death anxiety. The boy, smiling with relief, picked up a previously grounded limb and threw it into the tree to dislodge the broken branch.

“Vamos! Vamos!” The boy yelled as he threw the branch at the suffering hawthorn over and over. 

I stood back and watched the joy-filled seventh grader doing his part to make the park safe for passersby, dog walkers and bench sitters. Awe. Some.

Along came two coutured men with their two French Bulldogs. One rushed to the boy to stop him, as if he were vandalizing the park.

“No. No. No.” I stepped in front of him. 

“That branch almost fell on me and he saved me! He’s trying to knock it out of the tree onto the ground.” 

The men were puzzled. Looking at me, back at the boy, their eyes betrayed a lifelong preconceived notion of a pre-teen Hispanic boy. I engaged them with curiosity about the dogs. Men with cute little boutique dogs love to talk about dog pedigree. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the branch come down and the boy skip away to join his family on the other side of the park.

Awe. Some.

Regan Burke's avatar
Regan Burke's book, "In That Number" was a finalist for Chicago Writers Association non-fiction Book of the Year. Her brief memoirs and personal essays appear in the Christian Science Monitor, Sun Magazine, Chicago History Museum "In This Together" Project, City Creatures, Safe 'n Sound, Easter Seals Blog. Chaleur, Rise Up Review, Bird Garden's Murder of Writers and Writing Out Loud. She lives on Potawatomi land in downtown Chicago with Elsa, the West Highland Terrier. Her main activity is reducing the weight of the here and now.

22 thoughts on “Awesome Death Anxiety”

  1. Awesome, for sure! The gift of humanity. It takes a village to keep us intact while here on earth. I too was moved by Kara Switcher’s series, as well as Anderson Cooper’s conversation with Ken Burns on the death of a loved one at a young age. Thanks for sharing Regan. We are in a better world because of your deep sense of empathy, emotional intelligance and willingness to share.

    Carol Ferstman 🙂

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  4. You write so very well, Regan. I’ve spent the past 70 years writing so I appreciate well-written prose. Thanks for sending, and please forgive this tardy note!  Tim 

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  9. Great article..i am terrified of death. They say all work is a means to keep from thinking about it(: Even if we become energy, i will not know it): What do you think happens when we die? Best, Shirley

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  14. Regan, You are Awe … and then Some 😁 Though I’m always moved by your words, this is particularly delightful. Small moments of connection – with people, with growing things, with critters – these have been sustaining me as the darkness of our political sphere grows and confounds me. Writers (you, Parker Palmer, Mary Oliver) and real folks affirm the presence of love, hope, truth and kindness- I can find the faith to get off the couch and try again. Thank you for sharing your charming humanity 🙏

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  15. Regan, You are Awe … and then Some 😁 Though I’m always moved by your words, this is particularly delightful. Small moments of connection – with people, with growing things, with critters – these have been sustaining me as the darkness of our political sphere grows and confounds me. Writers (you, Parker Palmer, Mary Oliver) and real folks affirm the presence of love, hope, truth and kindness- I can find the faith to get off the couch and try again. Thank you for sharing your charming humanity 🙏

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  16. Regan, You are Awe … and then Some 😁 Though I’m always moved by your words, this is particularly delightful. Small moments of connection – with people, with growing things, with critters – these have been sustaining me as the darkness of our political sphere grows and confounds me. Writers (you, Parker Palmer, Mary Oliver) and real folks affirm the presence of love, hope, truth and kindness- I can find the faith to get off the couch and try again. Thank you for sharing your charming humanity 🙏

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  20. Regan,

    I love your writing.

    and that was a great story.

    I am living in awe of life, in no hurry to die,

    but also in awe of what might come next!

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